Chibimail 3:

The Gundam Wing Trivial Character Guide

[by Jongleur]



....silence. Nothing seems to be happening. The red plush curtains (tm) are closed and unchanged, except that somebody has painted mini-Gundams all over them. (guess who?)


Slowly you begin to hear a faint, rhythmic squeaking noise. It quickly gets louder and faster, and the curtains start to shake. There is a distinct sound of panting... maybe several voices.


Then the curtain runners unstick sharply (well, you said they catch) and the red plush curtains (tm) open, to reveal the chibi g-boys frantically turning cute little chibi-handles attached by a huge-and-complicated-wire-attachment to the curtains. Why.....(sweet smile) what did you think they were doing?


The chibis stop and scramble to form a neat line on the stage...err, except Wufei, who's bright red and trying to hide something behind his back. Which is difficult, because it's almost five times his size and mostly bright green. The others are trying *very* hard not to laugh... chibi-Heero is distinctly smirking, as is chibi-Trowa, while chibi-Duo's shoulders are shaking and chibi-Quatre is emitting noises not unlike a camel with some kind of speech disorder. Chibi-Duo can't control himself any longer.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TREIZE HANDCUFFED WU-CHAN TO THE POTPLANT AND WENT HOME WITH THE KEY! TREIZE HANDCUFFED-*oof*" as he is knocked over by three times his body weight in aspidistra. The remaining chibis collapse in a heap of hysterical cuteness, while Wufei does a really good I'm-in-a-wind-tunnel impression trying to storm off stage with a really heavy potplant attached to his left hand. His cute little chibi-toes are making tyre-marks on the stage. Awwwwww....


Wufei has managed to lug the aspidistra about three inches when he realises something is wrong. He turns round..... nothing. The stage is deserted, the giggling chibis have gone, there's nothing there... just one chibi and his potplant. He looks around suspiciously, not quite believing his luck, then gives the potplant another tug.


Nothing happens.

Pause. Wufei does one of those amusing slow-change-from-normal-face-to-utterly-psychotic-loony-face things. Then he stands on chibi tip-toes and peers over the rim of the plant pot. Where the other four are hiding, along with various portable ballast- sandbags, lead weights, Relena... trying to suppress their giggles. "KISAMA! MAXWELL! YUY!"
Utter hysteria reigns for about two minutes as chibi-Wu chases the others round his potplant screaming (or the screaming others. or maybe the potplant is screaming. whatever. it's loud.) before he gives up and perches on the edge of the pot to sulk. The others slowly settle down. Chibi-Trowa is demonstrating his famous 360-degree flips off the edge of the pot to an adoring chibi-Quatre. Chibi-Heero is violently shaking the aspidistra stem while shouting incoherent insults. And Duo? Duo is clutching the very top of the plant, zooming back and forth as Heero shakes the stem, while laughing so hard he can hardly hang on and waving a new pair of chibi-boxers like a chibi-flag. In between hysterics he can faintly be heard shouting something about "pink bunny rabbits! PINK! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA..." Firefly: How the hell did he get those off Heero while chasing him round a flipping POTPLANT? Jongleur: (shrugs, grins) He's an athletic boy.


(...time passes.)


Chibis, now wearing funky shiny red chibi-suits assemble as before; all except Wufei now sport minor injuries. Wu-chan is minus one potplant but still has half a pair of handcuffs attached to one hand. Chibi-Duo saunters forward and whips scrap-of-paper (tm) from Heero's spandex-space -cue melted-titanium level Yuy-Death-Glare (tm) which obviously has no effect on Duo.
Duo: (big dramatic clearing of throat) Jongleurtheothergreatgod is proud to present... a Chibi-Vision spectacular.... in gorgeous Chibicolor.... Everyone, doing a Monty Python and the Holy Grail: "GET ON WITH IT!"
Duo, grins: "The Mobile Suit Gundam Wing Trivial Character Guide! Tonight- the bad guys!"


Quatre: (doing groovy little cabaret tap-dance number) "Number one! Treize Khushrenada." (Wu-chan double-takes. "Treize??") Chibi-Treize wanders on from the side and strikes a pose, complete with authentic Treize sexy grin (tm), and dangles a little chibi-key suggestively from one finger. "Ano, Dragon... you only needed to *ask*.... nicely." Chibi-wu considers his options briefly, turns fourteen different colours, and faints dead away. Chibi-Treize gives Jongleur a very dirty look. "And I'm not a trivial character! I'm a Big Bad Guy (tm)" (oops, hentai mind doesn't even wanna *start* on that one) Treize grabs chibi-Wu by his ponytail (well, everyone does it to Duo-chan) and drags him off stage.


Quatre, looking cutely downcast: "Jongleur-sama?"

Jongleur: (sigh) Next!


Chibi-Zechs leaps dramatically onto the stage. "Don't even THINK about it! I'm not trivial! TREIZE! Get back here you two-timing chibified BASTARD..." And he's gone. Duo does the narration anyway. "Sexy Zechsy was Prince Milliard of the Sank Kingdom until the Sank Kingdom and its pacifist philosophy got kicked up the ass by the Earth Sphere Alliance when he was 6. So he called himself Zechs 'n' joined OZ in order to overthrow the Alliance. Although at that time OZ was working for the Alliance. (sigh) Go figure."


Quatre looks like he's gonna cry. "um... Number three! Lucrezia Noin!"


Chibi-Trowa steps forward to narrate. "Noin works for OZ, but she's a relatively good guy. She's blatantly got the hots for Zechs (from off-stage "HAVE NOT!!!") and joins him when he parts company with OZ mid-series because they're too dishonourable."


Q-chan, looking happier: "Number four! Sally Po!"


Heero this time, monotone: "SallyisanEarthAlliancedoctorwho." Duo: "Give me that! -who quits early on and becomes an ally of the G-boyz. Kinda. Probably. What's with the HAIR?" Heero: "Who are you to talk?" Duo: (inarticulate scream of rage followed by extensive violence)


Quatre, lip trembling again: "Number five... Lady Une!"

Trowa: She's a psycho. Who works for OZ. And has the hots for Treize in a BIG way. And shoots people. Even when they've been dropped out of aeroplanes. Although it is before they hit the ground. (Quatre gives him a funny look. Trowa: "WHAT? it's scripted!")


Duo, now sitting on Heero trying to strangle him with the braid: "Erm, that's it for tonight. Jongleur-sama has been on the computer for WAY too long. The GW Trivial Characters Will Continue!"


Heero, who isn't actually objecting all that much except to the strangulation bit: "Still To Come! The Love Interests (part 2)!"

All chibis stage-centre and sweep bows, except for Duo, who is now beating Heero's head on the stage, and Heero, who is having his head beaten on the stage (now beginning to look irritated). The brass band, consisting of the Doctors and Relena (who Dr J is using as a mute for his euphonium. Her screams are muffled (mostly) by the brass, and at least we don't have to look at her), strike up a fanfare building up to a dramatic climax, and the red plush curtains (tm) finally give up the ghost and fall on the lot of them.



~Owari~




Look! Chibi-Wu in his potplant! (Dunno about the pandas though... O.o)


So, didja laugh?

Jongleur


[On to the next one - Chibimail 4: The Kidnapping! Part 1!]