Chibimail 7:

The Gundam Wing Guide #2: The Love Interests
(collect the full set! only $10.95 for a hand-tooled blue binder!)

[by Jongleur]



An assortment of chibis scurry across the stage carrying a big banner, reading;


Yo minna!


The banner is trailing on the floor, and only the chibis' heads and arms are visible above it, so the overall effect is sort of like a factory conveyor belt, only cuter. The smooth effect is a bit spoilt by the fact that Heero-chibi has a one-handed death-grip on Duo-chibi's braid, thus making him jog at a sort of backwards 45 degree angle. Chibi-Trowa, being taller, is walking quite comfortably, while behind him chibi-Quatre is having to absolutely leg it, with the effect that his artistically tousled hair is beginning to resemble an overexcited blond tribble.
Bringing up the rear, Zechs' normally smooth stride is broken by the fact that he keeps trying to kick Wufei, who is walking behind Treize and finding the height differential creates a rather... distracting effect.


The chibis reach centre stage and stop, then (with much whispering and low-voiced bickering) turn the banner over. On the other side is printed;


Chibivision presents: The Gundam Wing Guide #2: The Love Interests
(collect the full set! only $10.95 for a hand-tooled blue binder!)


A minor scuffle has now broken out between chibi-Zechs and chibi-Wufei. Treize-chibi, ignoring the pair of them, strolls languidly out to centre stage and pulls a Scrap Of Paper (TM) veeerrrry slowly out from his... what's the word? spandex-space doesn't cover it. Breeches-space? Whatever, you get the idea. Chibi-Wu, who is currently throttling Zechsy into unconsciousness, glances up, sees what Treize is doing and promptly faints dead away.


The other chibis clear the stage, apart from the now somewhat one-sided Zechsy vs. Wufei rumble.


Treize: (unrolling paper) "Now.... The love interests are organised by pilot, so we'll deal with them in number order. Number one: Heero Yuy. I don't need to tell you who HIS love interest is."


(from offstage) "Oh HEEEEEEERRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Heero walks on. Very. Slowly. With a happy-looking Relena clinging to his foot and being dragged along. He is alternating between a mid-range melted-adamantium Death Glare (TM) and shooting slightly worried glances at Duo, who has entered on the other side and is standing tapping his scythe ominously against the stage. His Death Glare is actually better than Heero's. Oh well, he is Death after all.


Treize: "Heero, you're supposed to narrate this." Heero opens his mouth- "Ninmu-" but is interrupted by a CRACK! as Duo slams the scythe down too hard and breaks the handle. Heero: (without changing expression, tonelessly) "I refuse."


Treize: (sigh) "Relena is the spoilt brat diplomat's daughter who happens to spot Heero crash-landing his Gundam in the first episode and takes his threats to kill her as an invitation to follow him EVERYWHERE for the next 48 episodes. At some point in this she incidentally becomes a global diplomat, force for peace, and ultimately Queen of the World after OZ's downfall. But mostly she just runs around screaming 'HEEEEERRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'. Alright, that's it."


Heero audibly sighs with relief as Trowa and Quatre helpfully drag Relena away. He glances hopefully at Duo, but chibi-Shinigami has an evil look on his face and just strolls forward into the spotlight, ignoring him.


Treize: "Number two. Duo Maxwell's love interest (sort of) is Hirde/Hilde/Hilda/That Girl With The Weird Hair."


Chibi-Hilde wanders in and strikes a disturbingly Duo-like pose. Duo gives her his scythe handle to hold (NOT LIKE THAT YOU HENTAI! IT'S BROKEN AND HE NEEDS BOTH HANDS FOR THE SCRAP OF PAPER (TM)!) Heero is still expressionless but two small columns of smoke are rising from his ears. Duo: "Hirde was in OZ for the ten seconds she spent in the series before meeting Duo. Having exchanged about-" he pauses and shoots Hirde a v.v.suggestive look "-ten words with the seductive, mysterious Gundam pilot-" (Jongleur: That's not in the script! (considers) But you can leave it in.) "-she suddenly quit OZ and started working for the rebels. And sometime near the end of the series she did something heroic for Duo, like stealing some secrets, or something, but Jongleur-sama doesn't know (or particularly care) what it was."


Chibi-Hirde bursts into tears and runs offstage, taking the broken scythe with her. Duo-chibi starts to head off after her, with a really VERY convincing look of concern on his face (ooh that boy's such a tease) but Heero can stand no more. Once again the chibi-pair vacate the stage, Duo at his usual 45-degree angle but not looking particularly upset about it. Crashing potplants fall all around as their footsteps grow fainter.


Treize (dodging elegantly as the cute li'l bundle of trouble which is sexy-Zechsy-beating-an-unconscious-Wufei's-head-against-the-stage rolls past him): "Number three. Trowa Barton- I suppose it must be Catherine Bloom then." Quatre starts to look irritated.


Trowa, reading: "Catherine Bloom is the girl who throws knives in the circus in which Trowa is the guy-who-gets-knives-thrown-at-him. She's very possessive and protective of him-" Quatre is beginning to resemble Zero System Quatre- heavy breathing, dead eyes, psycho attitude. Trowa: (sweatdrop, reading veryvery quickly) "-But in Endless Waltz the sequel we find-out-that-she'sactuallyhissister. So that's all right then." Chibi-Q instantly reverts to his normal sunny self and smiles brilliantly.


Chibi-Q: (shoving Treize politely out of the way, and shooting Trowa a *BIG* grin as only Quatre can. All over the world, diabetics die.) "Quatre is the only pilot without a specific love interest. His only female company is his 29 sisters, but we never see much of them. In fact-" (he's now reading without paying much attention, as he keeps shooting Trowa-chibi sexy glances) "-the only possible love interest in Quatre's background would have the be the head of his loyal Manganacs, Rashid- WHAT????!!!??"


Zero-System Quatre, very. very. quietly: "Jongleur-sama......" (Jongleur: (gulp) Treize! Move on! Quick!)


Treize: (irritably) "I can't." He elegantly nods at the untidy pile which is an unconscious chibi-Wu and a sleeping Zechsy, exhausted by twenty solid minutes of beating him up.


Jongleur: (backing away from ZSQ, who is advancing on her slowly. Even the pink shirt looks scary, somehow...) "Treize! Um, I'll leave you to finish off! Gotta go!" (Turns tail and flees like the cowardly worm she is)


Treize: (wearily) (yet somehow, still elegant) "Wufei's love interest is Sally Po. She's older than him, depressing, has strange hair even by Women of Gundam Wing standards and Jongleur-sama doesn't know why she's associated with Wufie because she hasn't seen the whole series yet." Chibi-Wu wakes up abruptly with a big grin on his face. Murmuring to himself: "He called me Wufie..." Zechs wakes up just as abruptly and does a really scary lip-trembling routine before bursting into tears and running off the stage. Treize glances hurriedly from side to side, decides that Wu-chan is more of a sucker, and runs off (elegantly) shouting "ZECHS! HONEYBUN! WAIT!"


There's now nobody left except Wu-chibi, who hasn't really registered that Treize has run off after someone else, as he's still sitting with a goofy grin saying "Wufie...." to nobody in particular. Somewhere else Jongleur is cowering behind a cupboard as chibi-ZSQ stalks the living room, accompanied by a rather intimidated-looking Trowa who he's absently dragging by his bangs.


So that's probably the end of the chibimail, then.



So, didja laugh?

Jongleur


[On to the next one - Chibimail 8: That Big Blue Snake]