Chibimail 8:

That Big Blue Snake

[by Jongleur]


(Bigtime spoilers for Fushigi Yuugi in this one, which was written as an intro to FY for Firefly. You have been warned...)


Darkness. The red plush curtains (TM) have been repaired after their last, disastrous outing. Chibi-Duo pops out into the spotlight in front of them and takes a dramatic bow to the taped uproarious clapping and cheering. The tape runs out and the cheers suddenly degenerate into weird static and screaming noises, before dying away. Duo isn't fazed.


Duo: "Hello and welcome to the Fushigi Yuugi Guide! I'm your guest presenter, Duo Maxwell!" Some fool backstage tries the applause tape again. It sounds like half the galactic population of tribbles are being slowly skinned by the Klingon Army somewhere behind the scenes. "Tonight: Seiryuu, his Miko and Seishi!" He steps forward and speaks in that smug, pseudo-confidential presenter tone: "Now, technically we should have started with the servants of Suzaku, the Phoenix God, (henceforth to be known as That Big Red Chicken) but we've received a special request for Seiryuu (henceforth That Big Blue Snake) from Firefly-sama. And-" (smile growing a bit fixed) "-and her rather.... aggressive.... muse, William. But he's gone home now. Although we are assured that he's going to be watching. Carefully."


Trowa takes over the narration. Why? Because he does as he's damn well told, that's why!


Trowa: "........."


Jongleur: "Don't. Start."


Trowa: (hurriedly) "OK. Big Blue Snake no Miko is Yui, one of the two stupid girls from Tokyo who were sucked into the Universe of the Four Gods. The other one, as you know, is Big Red Chicken no Miko, Miaka.


"Yui's dumb, in that Nakago totally fools her into becoming Seiryuu no Miko because he convinces her that she's been raped and she wants to get back at Miaka because she fancies the pants off Tamahome (WHY????), but she's still cooler than Miaka, because.... well, because cold slices of last week's pizza are cooler than Miaka.
She also runs around for the whole series in a stupid schoolgirl uniform, as does Big Red Chicken no Miko."


Duo: "Give me that! I wanna read the interesting bit! OK, Nakago, the boss of the Seiryuu seishi, and a BIG HOT BABE, even if I say so myself." From offstage a "Hn!" is heard and a random piece of titanium lying around near Duo's feet spontaneously melts. Duo doesn't seem to have noticed.




"Nakago! So cute, we've included two pictures! This is him in his funky battle gear as Shogun (means General) of the Kutou army. Kutou is Seiryuu's country, each of the gods has one (Suzaku's is Konan, but it's not really v. important) Nakkie-poo was born into the Hin tribe (which explains his v. Aryan looks) who were unpopular with just about everybody.

When he was just a cute li'l Nakkie-chibi, Evil Kutou Soldiers came to his village, killed his mates and raped his mum. Not un-understandably, he got a bit stressed, developed a Seishi character on his forehead and fried the Evil Kutou Soldiers, but unfortunately got his mum too. Once they figgered out he was a Seishi, the other EKSes took him to the Emperor, who sorta went 'Yay! A Seiryuu seishi! When he grows up he can kill people for me! But in the meantime...' And knowing that said Emperor is a hentai bastard, (in the bad way), y'can work out the rest.

All together now! Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..............." Duo wipes away a tear. "So anyway, in the series, Nakago is now the Shogun of the Emperor's forces and kinda the power in Kutou- he wouldn't cross the Emperor, but the ugly old bugger's always locked up w/ his harem, so it isn't a big problem."




Here's the other pic. Sigh.... I love a man with long hair and bad taste in armour. Incidentally, that's Soi in his arms, but she's dead, so don't worry about it.


Duo: "Next! My personal second favourite- Soi!"


Duo: "Cool costume, shame about the hair. Soi was sold to a brothel by her parents when she was just a li'l chibi; when she was twelvish she was being beaten up by some horrible guy when Nakago (chorus: YAYYYY!!!!) turned up and saved her. Since then she follows him around, would do anything for him, is madly in love w/ him, etc. She throws lightning from her hands- that's her Seishi power- and also coincidentally knows this stuff called Bouchuu magic, which allows her to raise Nakkie's chi (magic energy thang) through sex. Yeah, yeah, whatever excuse...."


"Next! Tomo- TOTAL weirdo. Strange clothes, too. He creates illusions using his chi and these little clam shell things. He's famous for cackling like this: KAKAKAKAKAKA, though Tasha-sama has never heard it, and competing with Soi for Nakkie's attention. Pity, really. Without the Bouchuu magic he never had a chance... or maybe Nakago's just straight, it's possible."


"Next are the identical twins, Amiboshi and Suboshi."


"They're cute, but kinda hard to tell apart if not playing music or brutally slaughtering people. Amiboshi is nice and can channel his chi through a flute- halfway through the series he switches sides to the Big Red Chicken guys. Suboshi is... not so nice and has this whirly thing called the Ryuuseisui (i think) which he can control with telekinesis. The Ryuuwhatsit is v. cool and can go straight through someone. This is not cool when he thinks the Suzaku guys killed his brother and goes and slaughters Tamahome's four li'l siblings and his old sick father.


Suboshi wears orange- Amiboshi wears a purple tunic thing instead, otherwise they're identical. Suboshi is desperately in love with Yui, who doesn't give a stuff. For all other practical purposes you don't need to tell them apart."


"Here we have Ashitare, who's half man, half wolf. He ain't in it much- he pops in, fails to kill Miaka, gets beaten up by Nakago, succeeds in killing Nuriko (sob) and dies in the process. Later there's a wolf thing which is supposedly his wolf side, but Nakago kills that, so not v. important. Oh, and he eats people, apparently."


"Lastly, Miboshi, who's just gross."


"Miboshi can possess people's bodies. Children are easiest- at the end he takes over Chiriko (cute li'l Big Red Chicken no Seishi)- which is a BIG mistake as Chiri is v. cool and stabbed himself, thus killing Miboshi too." (Yay!)


Duo: "OK, that's it, don't forget to tune in next time for the Suzaku version!" He bows again dramatically and exits the stage to the sound of more tribbles being skinned- someone find that tech and set Zero System Quatre on him!


Bye-si-bye.



So, didja laugh?

Jongleur


[On to the next one - Chibimail 9: Chibi-Nakago's Big Dramatic Entrance]