The Astonishing Adventures of Mary Sue

[Part One: In which the Pilots receive an Unexpected Visitor and the Mystery of the Pink Shirts is revealed.]

[by Firefly]





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A quick note for those of you who have never heard of Mary Sue before:

Mary Sue is a self-insert, through whom the writer can fulfil their fondest wishes. She is beautiful, intelligent, brave and multi-talented. By the end of the fic, she has usually joined forces with the main group of characters, fallen deeply in love with the writer's favourite bishie, and helped them save the world/ universe/ life as we know it. However, for some strange reason most of the time the only person who loves Mary Sue is her creator (everyone else is hoping like hell she'll get squished!) This is not to say that there aren't realistic Mary Sue's- and well-written and entertaining Mary Sue fics- I've read them, so I know they're out there. But this fic is aimed, in a fairly lighthearted manner, at the *other* sort of fics.

And now the only question is; will she be squished, or not?

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A rare situation had occurred, and the Gundam pilots were taking full advantage of it. For once, they were all free from missions at the same time. They were relaxing together in the living room of a small flat, acquired for the duration of their unexpected holiday. Duo and Quatre were playing card games at the small coffee table- an occupation that would become much more entertaining as soon as Quatre found out that Duo had been cheating. Wufei was polishing his sword, occasionally giving Duo somewhat meaningful looks that were wasted on the longhaired pilot as he concentrated on his cards. Trowa was watching a documentary about rabbits, and Heero was busy on his ever-present laptop, searching the internet for more of those lovely pictures of naked girls.

They were all feeling unusually relaxed (except for Quatre, who was a little worried about the amount of money he was beginning to owe Duo), so when a bright white light suddenly filled the room, they all jumped to their feet in shock. This was nothing to their surprise at the fissure that appeared in the centre of the light, spewing forth a girl onto their floor before vanishing along with the light, with a small 'pop'. The girl sat up and found herself face to- well, legs, with four rather confused looking boys and one quite calm boy with a gun. She bounded to her feet and effortlessly disarmed Heero, who was of course the boy with the gun (he made a point to carry it with him at all times- like a security blanket. Only heavier.).

While he was staring at his gun-less hand in shock, she carelessly threw the gun out of the window and turned to face the boys. Beaming at them sweetly she introduced herself in a friendly manner.

"Hi guys! My name's Maria, but all my friends call me Sue! It's short for Susan! That's my second name! And you guys are going to be my friends, I can just tell! I can always tell about stuff like that! Like when I first met Jessie- she's my super-best friend! I said to her, 'I just know that we're going to be the very best of friends for ever and ever!' and I was right, so you see I know about stuff like this! I know all about you, but you don't need to worry- I'm here to help!"

Then she glomped Duo.

When she said that she knew all about them, the boys' expressions became more serious. They stopped worrying about how the girl was alive when she never seemed to draw breath, and how it was possible to pronounce punctuation as she was doing, and started worrying about who this girl was, where she came from, whether she was in league with OZ, and how the hell she had appeared in the middle of the living room. And in Duo's case, how to get her off before he suffocated. Except for Heero. He was still staring at his hand in shock.

Wufei stepped forward, clearly unwilling to speak to this girl, but quite aware of the fact that if Duo wasn't rescued soon, there would be short-sheeted beds and salted coffees all round. Probably worse. And he wouldn't get any tonight.

"Why are you here? How are you here?"

The girl- Susan, she had said her name was, released Duo a little unwillingly, and turned a cutely perplexed face on Wufei. As she answered, she stood so as to show herself off to best advantage- not particularly hard; Susan had a delicate, heart-shaped face, with large, violet eyes that were tilted slightly upwards giving her face an exotic cast. She had full, pouted lips, and her hair fell in chestnut waves to her hips. Her body was tall and slender, except for her breasts, which were of a size the bemused Chinese boy had only previously thought possible with the assistance of a pneumatic pump. No wonder Duo had been looking somewhat squashed.

"I'm not sure- this sort of portal appeared and just swallowed me up! But I do know all about you, and I'm determined to help fight for your cause! I'm a really good fighter- I know three different types of martial arts, and I got lots of medals for gymnastics, and I'm proficient with all types of firearms, and I can hack computers, and throw knives, and I'm a girl, so I can help you solve all your emotional problems, you poor things!"

While Wufei sputtered wordlessly at the very idea that he would need help, she swanned past him and the other stunned boys towards the bedrooms.

"I'm really tired now; cross-dimensional travel really takes it out of you! So I'm just going to take a nap, but before I go to bed, I just have to say one thing."

She turned imploringly to Heero as she said this last.

"Heero, you need to accept your feelings, don't hide them! Your love for Duo will make you stronger- just look at Quatre and Trowa! They're so sweet together! You could have that too! You know that Duo loves you- you just have to let him know how you feel! And Duo," here she aimed the same imploring look at Duo, but somehow managed to make it look reassuring as well. "Don't worry- Heero'll come to his senses soon, and admit his love for you- then you can both live happily ever after- I'm sure you'll survive the war so you can get married! And you needn't think he'll reject you because of your past- you had to do what you did to survive- he'll understand! It's not as though you had sex with any of them! And this is true love!"

And with this truly amazing statement she waltzed into the first bedroom she came to- Quatre's, and shut the door firmly behind her. Within a minute the frozen pilots could hear snores wafting through the wood.

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After Sue left the room, the five boys had stood and stared at each other for several minutes without speaking. When her snores finally jolted them back into reality, they began to react to the deluge she had sprung upon them before usurping Quatre's bedroom. Wufei broke the silence first.

"Duo?! What's this about you and Heero?"

Duo looked affronted.

"She's obviously mad- as if I'd go for him when I've got you! And look at all that stuff she said about... well... you know. I never did that!" He blushed, then turned an indignant look on his lover, "It's nice to know you trust me so much though!"

Wufei quickly turned placatory. If he didn't fix this, forget about worrying about getting any tonight- he'd be sleeping on the couch!

"Oi! I just meant, uh... she surprised me! You know I trust you. Besides, you've got better taste than to go for Yuy."

Duo turned this over in his mind.

"Hmm... true enough," he mused, "Alright then."

Wufei heaved what he hoped was a surreptitious sigh of relief.

Then Quatre burst in with a point that *he* thought was much more pertinent.

"Forget about that- did you hear what she said about me and Trowa? I'm not even gay! Why does everyone I meet always assume that I'm gay?! No offence Trowa."

Trowa nodded.

Duo looked up from where he was wrapped in Wufei's arms in the middle of forgiving his boyfriend.

"Quatre? You wear pink shirts. All the time. What do you expect?"

Now it was Quatre's turn to look affronted.

"They were presents from my sisters. It would be rude not to wear them. And somehow, they can all tell them apart, so I can't just wear one, I have to wear them all. Stop sniggering."

Trowa had gone back to watching his documentary, sure that as soon as his teammates had finished bitching, a course of action would be decided upon, and they would inform him. Then Heero would shoot this annoying girl, and they could go back to their regularly scheduled terrorist activities.

Heero finally looked up from his hand and everyone turned to him, certain that he would have a plan.

"My gun."

Duo took pity on him.

"She threw it out the window, Heero."

"She... threw..."

"That's right." Duo was starting to enjoy this. It wasn't often that they got to see Heero Yuy at a loss. "After she took it off you."

"But... but... how did she..."

The other pilots thought about it.

"Actually, I don't know." Wufei volunteered. "I remember her starting to execute a pitifully weak kick at the gun, then all of a sudden... she had it, and you didn't. It was very... odd."

A confused look was appearing on his face, as well as on the other boys'. Then Heero's face contorted into sudden fury.

"She took my gun!"

"That's right," said Duo, now nervously backing himself and his lover out of the immediate radius around Heero. Those sneaky doctors were making very small self-destruct devices now.

"Kill!"

"That's right," said Duo again, relaxing this time.

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Half an hour later, the G-boys (minus Heero) were still sitting around in the living room. They were all staring at Quatre's bedroom door. It wasn't really a very fascinating door- simple wood, with no special curlicues or whirligigs or twiddly bits. It was in fact a terribly bland door, but for basic doorlike qualities, such as solidness, opaqueness, and the blocking of such paltry things as sound- and light-waves, it gained full marks. This doesn't mean that it wasn't an extremely boring door. However, the four pilots had been staring at it for the last thirty minutes. The reason for their apparent enthrallment was that thirty minutes ago, Heero Yuy, the boy who struck terror in the hearts of OZ soldiers everywhere, (but particularly those located in bases at which he had just arrived,) had passed through that door with the intention of exterminating the girl sleeping on the other side. Since then, the bewildered pilots had heard no terrified screams, no manic laughs of victory, and no nasty fleshy choking sounds. Instead, thanks to the previously mentioned sound- blocking qualities of said door, they had heard nothing at all.

Finally, to the visible relief of the four waiting boys, the door opened again and Heero sidled out, shutting the door firmly but quietly behind him. He then calmly walked over to the nearest chair and sat down. Then he slumped into his seat. The impatient boys could wait no longer.

"Well? Didja kill her?"

"No Maxwell. I... failed."

Amazed looks shot around the small room.

"But... but you were in there for half an hour! What the hell were you doing?"

"Talking."

As Duo opened his mouth to reply yet again, Heero cut him off.

"Actually, listening. While she talked."

Quatre nodded his head with satisfaction. This explained the twinges he had been feeling. But poor Heero!

"Would you like some tea, Heero?"

The three pilots not sat gazing at their hands turned strange looks on him.

"What? It's calming!"

Three pairs of shoulders shrugged, and then turned back to Heero, who, ignoring Quatre's offer, was continuing his report.

"She told me that it was wrong just to use Maxwell for sexual relief, that I should let him know I care for him, and that I should make our... sexual relations more loving. Then she suggested several ways to do this. In graphic detail."

Wufei winced. Duo was starting to snigger and Quatre was joining in.

"She suggested that I ask Trowa and Quatre for advice, because they have a very loving, caring and satisfying relationship, both mentally and physically."

Trowa's pupils widened while Quatre stopped giggling abruptly.

"Then she-"

"I think we get the idea," Wufei burst in. He really didn't want to hear more about Heero and Duo's supposed relationship, even if it *was* only a product of this girl's warped mind.

"Let's just figure out what we're going to do with her, agreed?"

"I suppose we can't kill her really," Duo mused. "At least not until we find out how much she knows about us, and how she found it all out."

And if she carried on the way she had, she might prove to be quite entertaining.

In the end, it was decided that he was right, and that the problem would be best left for the morning.

"Hang on- where am I going to sleep?!"

"Trowa's got a spare bed."

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To Be Continued...

[New parts will be posted as soon as F-chan writes them!]