Avernus

So, what shall we do to break the blogging lull this time?

I know - let's mock Karate Kid's 1970s mini-series! Nope, not the famous Karate Kid. The *other* one. The one in the Legion of Superheroes because he's meant to be the greatest martial artist in the universe, as he keeps reminding us, despite the fact that everyone in the Legion is meant to have a natural superpower. Yes, he is a dick.

And his comic...ohhh, where to start on his comic. One could start with the fact that it's a *shameless* cash in on the temporary vogue for all things Kung Fu there was in the 70s for no readily understandable reason. So the Kid got pissed off with the Legion in the 30th century and so departed for 20th century New York to 'find himself'. As you do. I could also start with the art, but I couldn't really do better than Gone and Forgotten in describing the cityscapes as 'a dreamy Eisner-esque liquid landscape that peels itself right off the page and into a Riverdance performance.'

Honestly, there are so many reasons to love this comic. Not least of which are the analogies. You thought Jeremy Clarkson made up this style of description, you've obviously not read enough classic comics. Karate Kid analogies range from the standard ('time: it hangs suspended like sediment in thick oil') through the strangely literal ('like a mindless destructor...' - what the hell is a destructor that one can be like it? And how can be be *like* a mindless destructor when he's mindlessly...uh...destructing things?) into the more than a little random ('like a soulless wind...' - as opposed to all the many winds with souls there are floating around?).

And then there's just the plain bizarre. For example, Karate Kid has to hit some concrete *really hard* to create a counter-shockwave to an earthquake. Accept this. The description runs, 'like a concrete banner snapping in the wind...' Um? And on the same gooddamn *page*, we have this classic: the two waves of seismic activity meet each other. The description? 'Like a herd of frightened lemmings fleeing an ungracious sea...' Um, what the *hell*? What does that even *mean*? What does it have to do with earthquakes?

Then there's the fact that the first ten issues are standard Val-fights-crime-in-20th-century-New York schtick. And the next five issues are Val's-semi-girlfriend-gets-turned-into-diamond-monster-and-goes-on-rampage-and-they-go-on-an-adventure-through-time-with-a-semi-naked-blond-dude-and-his-talking-dog-friends schtick. No, I don't know how that happened either. Something about Val aiming for the 30th century but taking a wrong turn up the trousers of time and ending up getting put into a film by lobster people who have kidnapped Kamandi the Last Human (aka the semi-naked blond dude.)

Val and Kamandi are *totally* crying out to be slashed though. It makes a lot of sense of why Kamandi spends most of his time hanging out with a half-naked chick without evincing any desire to, say, repopulate the earth. And who wouldn't believe it of Val Yo-yo Pants Armorr, the hero with a girlfriend in every timezone? I mean, the first time they meet, Val totally cops a feel. And Kamandi totally doesn't mind. I love his expression here of 'is that a bo in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?'

Then they get stuck in some films together, including one which appears to be pornographic in nature, and neither of them reacts in quite the way one might expect your red-blooded hero or last-of-his-species teenager (dear god, the hormones) to react. All of which is explained, of course, by their appearance in the next film. Oh dear God. Because the Errol Flynn Robin Hood wasn't camp enough, Val had to play *Will Scarlet*? Jesus. Laying it on a bit thick, guys.

When they get rescued from the films by Kamandi's talking dog friends, Kamandi totally decides to go for it and go for a kiss, but the sudden intervention of damn dog henchmen foils him. I like to think that his speech bubble was continued 'Canus! Bloodstalker! How dare you interrupt us when I was just about to engage this young and strangely attractive being in an ancient earth mating ritual?!'

But of course, their relationship has to end in that bitter-sweet fashion of all inter-dimensional romances. Ah, how often we have heard that story. Boy meets boy. Boy cops feel. Boy discovers boy is from an alternative future populated by anthropomorphised animals. Boy leaves with his diamond-beast not-girlfriend. It's an old, old tale. I do like Val's attempt at super-heroic chat-up technique, and Kamandi's little hand pressed to the plexi-glass of the view screen. Kamandi then attempts to console himself with the vagueries of interdimensional physics. (Incidentally, the semi-naked chick pressed up against the totally-oblivious kid's back only serves to underline my point that there is no *way* Kamandi isn't batting for the home team, if you catch my drift.) I kinda hope he and Val get to hook up again sometime after Crisis and Zero Hour mulch the timelines, get some of that sexual tension sorted.

So, there you have it. Dear God. Why couldn't they have made a Brainiac mini-series? At least he *has* a character...